I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
