Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
