Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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