Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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