can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
