So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He? As in you personified your dick?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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