your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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