I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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