so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
