They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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