If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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