It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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