I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
