I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
