Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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