It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
