I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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