I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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