this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
