yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
