I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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