Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
