it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You're a waste of cheezeits
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
