Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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