he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
