My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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