if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
