You're my little dorito
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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