I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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