I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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