Don't you send me to vm
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
