1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
