i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
