i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
