took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
