My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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