Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
