Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
