I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
