I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i think i just lost a toe
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
