there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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