who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
