So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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