Soap is not a condiment
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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