Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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