my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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