she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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