I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
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Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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I believe in your delicious
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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