the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
