why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
