I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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