My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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