So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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