Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
