The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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