Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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