she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
