Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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